The Navigator
In loving memory of B. M. W.
I loved you like a battle I would not lose
Love is not one kind
And loved you like a sailor loves the skies
Or the deep blue
The moon
I settled for land
Not able to breathe underwater
With you
But have struggled since to find
That power
Which since you may have lost
There are those in love with the divine
But narcissists deserve admiration, not love
I loved you for what you could see
But you couldn’t see me
You were never quite satisfied with me
From the start, there was something wrong
With my voice
The things I wore
The way I did my makeup
I never fit the description of your goddess
Which you sought
On every page
In every sound
I write this in remembrance of you
As if each fragment of a moment
Could multiply like ivy
Reach you were you are
Yet you still hear me
I still remember even dreams of you
Perhaps you are just a dream of mine
That made some semblance of reality
A silken thread too delicate to be seen
Shines in the light
I loved you best when you were far
When I was with my mother
In Paris
Or a place like New York
You always knew how to write
To make me feel almost loved
I know, I was not the only one to not
Understand
The way we loved
Each other
Like sunlight and water
We could never touch, but reflected
Each other
Each movement like crystal
And tragically misaligned
I know, you were scared of what I knew
But I was not scared of you
I got rid of my hair
Pierced my lip and ears
But I would not get rid of you
You never lost your upper hand
Like the moon at midnight
But submission, too, has its benefits
When I submitted to you, I submitted
To the you in my heart
You knew this, but too afraid—
You were my moon, it was
Predestined
That I should stare
Evening after evening
Mouth forever agape
Eyes shining with your reflection
Our meeting could only be a result of
Something twisted in the cards
Over riches, over art
I picked the one who loved me best
Who breathed like a cell in my body
But you, darling boy, the one of
Golden hair turned brown
And eyes firmed affixed to the stars
May we find peace in our hearts
In another lifetime